4 Childhood Staples For Michael Bay to Destroy...

In light of all the news lately about Michael "Whats Wrong With Hollywood" Bay's upcoming reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most notably the leaked script that makes it sound even worse than I anticipated, I've compiled a quick list of childhood shows for him to destroy. He seems to love doing that, what with Transformers and Ninja Turtles (I didn't even watch either of those shows as a kid and I'm PO'd by the movies), so I'm gonna call what's next on his hit list. Heads up, Avatar: the Last Airbender is not present because M. "I Peaked after two movies" Night Shamylan beat him to that punch (that show WAS my childhood you jackass!) Also, there's only four on here because by the time Bay's done with these, he'll be able to retire.

Power Rangers

It makes sense: the mindless explosions, poorly choreographed fighting, huge monsters, and racism (ever notice how the black ranger was always played by an African American?) Bay dreams about is already there! To him, the movies' already taken care of! And if you think I just destroyed your childhood with that opener, I watched it when I too when I was six.

Pokemon

Plenty of people loved Transformers as kids, absurd amounts of people loved the Ninja Turtles, but at one point during out youth, we all loved Pokemon. So I'm guessing that's it's pretty high up on Bay's "To Axe" list. I'll probably have nightmares about Ash as a high school senior being played by Shia Laboeuf, walking around with a 30 story CGI Pikachu voiced by Mr T, and everyone's lips will keep moving after they're done talking.

My Little Pony

Done destroying the childhoods of little boys, Bay decides to crush the souls of anyone who was a little girl ten years ago with 2 hours of giant CGI ponies rampaging through Manhattan destroying everything in sight, breathing fire and pooping exploding rainbows.

Thomas the Tank Engine

If this ever actually happen, my dislike for Bay will grow into a full on hatred. I do not want the first TV show I was ever obsessed with and brought me endless comfort as a child destroyed by Bay having some random actor ride a big blue talking train into a battle against... Bizarro-versions of Thomas, Henry, and Percy headed by Sir Topem' Hat who's evil in this movie (then again, I'm not sure if even Bay can film action sequences entirely on train tracks...). And instead of Ringo Starr narrating, he'd have it be the guy who voiced Jar Jar Binks! In all serious, if anything like this surfaces, I'll personally run Bay over with a train!

So there you have it, Michael Bay's career plans for the next twenty years. If it seems like I'm hating a bit, school starts soon, I really needed to expel some negative energy.

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